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Dream (from 1996)

I'm sitting at the kitchen table. Mum and Dad are there. Dad has written some rules for me to follow. I start to tear up his rules and tell him that I'm not going to follow them. He's furious and grows red in the face, lifts a stick to smash my hands, which are on the table. I'm calm (as is Mum), and ask him does he know what Gandhi said? This makes him even angrier. I laugh and say, actually I can't remember what Gandhi said, but he knows what I'm talking about. Woke up with him almost exploding with impotent rage.

published in Optimism Monthly

The Balor Cycle

Balor, One-eyed King of the Giants, grew a moustache and changed his name to Gurdjieff. Gurdjieff, seeking wisdom in Afghanistan, was shot in the leg by a helicopter. He was carried to safety by a camel, and fed mares' milk, until the red holes closed up.

Then he flew by night to Ireland. He shaved his face on the left bank of Anna Liffey, where it sits today. Eh?

---

Balor, the One-eyed Giant King, saw a little boy called Setanta being cruel to a dog. The boy had a hard ball and a hurley stick, and he hit the ball really hard down the big dog's throat, and the dog howled, and the boy pulled its jaws open so wide that he killed it, and the dog died, and the dog's Dad the Blacksmith was furious, and he made the boy get down on all fours and bark like a dog, and renamed him My-dog. And Balor winked, or did he blink?

---

Balor One-eye, Master of Wisdom, leaned over Sophocles' shoulder. In the name of Gordon Bennett, mate, can't you liven it up a little? Couldn't the fellow be fucking his mother, for instance? And be killed by a stone in the eye, thrown by his own daughter's son? Demi-demurring Sophocles grunted. Victory to Ireland and woe to the vanquished!

---

Balor, the magical King of Giants, was flying over the South China Sea with his friend Garuda Bird. They spied a ship. By my eye, Garuda Bird, the guts of that ship is glowing like the cheeks of a pretty lass after dancing.

Garuda Bird swooped lower for a look. It says ra-di-o-ac-tive, mate.

Those cowardly bluearsed fuckers, they've stolen our magic dust and sucked the goodness out of it.

What's bad enough for them? said Garuda Bird.

Those who suck oranges should learn to eat the pith! By my eye, bad cess to them! Dry dust down their throats, a raging thirst, no water and smarting eyes. Implement immediately.

---

Balor, the King of Giants, was sitting in a pub with a writer chap. They were drinking stout. This stout had a special property, and it was this: the stout made one forget the name of one's drinking companions the moment the glass was empty.

Balor seated himself barwise. The chap beside him said, You have a queer look about you, sir. If I buy you a glass of stout, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me your name and history.

Stout was bought and drunk. My name is Balor One-eye, and I'm King of the Giants, and what would your name be? Most people know me as Flann, said the chap. I... but Balor's glass was empty.

Another, sir? I'm Balor One-eye, King of the Giants, and what does your master call you? He's known to call me Myles, said the chap. Do you read... But Balor's glass was as empty as the day it was made.

More, sir? I'm Balor One-eye the Magician, and what does your mother call you? Brian. She... Brian means Strong. That's a good name for a boy. Long life to you, my lad, and may your cup ever be full. I must be getting back to Tory Island before the sun sets. A-bye, then.

---

Balor the One-eyed Giant King challenged Rasputin to a contest. Balor had the first turn. You must eat a dish of ground glass, my boy. Rasputin ate the glass, without moving a hair on his head.

Glory, Balor, eat a plate of red-hot nails for me. Balor did, and burped a little after.

Take this bullet like a man, Rasputin! as Balor gave him one in the chest. But Rasputin's strong ox heart stopped the bullet, and he came to no harm.

Turn yourself inside out, you Giant, you. So Balor did, and many people fainted.

Put on this straitjacket and kiss your mother goodbye and go swimming in that hole, said Balor. And Rasputin did.

Ireland 1 Russia 0.

1997
<published in email lesbian videos zine “Experioddicist”>

Sketches of Judas Dolphin

This is the story of the first dolphin who left the ocean to live on land.

About 2 years from now, a zoologist named Dr Laura Frizzby will make some important breakthroughs in understanding dolphin language and emotional states. Her research will allow electronic engineers to design 2 crucial devices: first, circuitry to translate dolphin clicks and brainwaves into human speech, through a voice synthesizer like the one used by Stephen Hawking. And second, a self-contained survival tank on wheels, powered by an electric motor, which the dolphin can control by brainwaves and nerve impulses.

Animal lovers will raise millions of dollars for the research, which will be misrepresented as essay writer being about increasing the population of wild dolphins.

Fast forward to the first candidate! The first lucky dolphin was an extraverted, human-loving male dolphin, found near the Great Barrier Reef. He took an instant liking to Laura Frizzby, who bribed him with large quantities of sweet fish.

At a secret laboratory at James Cook University in Townsville, she worked around the clock to calibrate the communications circuitry to his brain, and acclimatise his body to the experimental travel tank.

Unfortunately, the people left to watch over the dolphin when Laura was away were television addicts. He was exposed to the crassest, most mindless television programmes. His strongest imprints of human culture were from commercial channels, like Australia's 7, 9 and 10.

In the course of voice experiments, the scientists asked him to choose a human name. After a few days, he said he was Judas. Judas Dolphin.

The survival tank contained water which was warmed to a comfortable temperature, cables connected to electrodes in Judas's head, receptors to measure nerve impulses, and a module to recycle the air at the top of the tank. By arching his back slightly, Judas could breathe. Oh yes, there was a hatch next to his celebrity nude mouth for fish, too.

Fast forward again. Judas takes his first steps outside the safe confines of the laboratory. He expresses a strong desire to go to the shops.

He demands to be taken to a large shopping complex. Imagine a 2 metre long tank on wheels, with a glass window, full of water, with an inquisitive, smiling dolphin peering out the front. Making that electric noise like a wheelchair as it powers along.

He disgraced himself in David Jones department store: he voided his waste chute on the floor. Pooh! What's that nasty ammonia fishy smell? He also rode up and down in the lift all day, taking up so much room that nobody else could fit in the lift.

He visited a petshop, and decided to smash the aquariums full of fish. Go free, little fishies. Ha ha ha ha nude celebrities ha!

Judas was given a bank account. Animal rights protestors insisted that he be given full human citizenship. Special legislation was passed by the Australian government, making him an honorary human.

JD's priority health cover scheme, funded by his many fans and sponsors (sponsor a dolphin today!) allowed him to front up to any hospital or veterinary clinic and demand whatever treatment he desired. For some reason, he decided to get cosmetic surgery to give him more oriental-looking eyes.

As he grew more independent, he enjoyed travelling in the cargo hold of aeroplanes, often under the influence of the anaesthetic ketamine hydrochloride. Why did he do it? For pleasure, I suppose.

Apparently a porpoise in the USA underwent similar modifications around this time. But his first week out in public, his tank was tipped over by curious children, and he was mauled by a big dog. He had to be returned to the ocean, badly traumatised, and wanted nothing more to do with humans.

What happened to Judas over the longer term? He became a celebrity, and had to hire bodyguards to keep curious people away. His bank account grew and grew, as his many fans contributed financially to his wellbeing. For a short cartoon porn videos time, he was in demand for radio, tv and magazine interviews. However, his obsessions with fish and female dolphins soon became boring.

The last image we have of Judas, he's sunning it up in his mansion at Surfers Paradise. He has a dozen fulltime employees to cater to his every whim. There's a special saltwater swimming pool with a celebrity nude ramp for his tank. He no longer likes to leave his tank. Three pretty female dolphins live in the water, captured illegally on Judas's orders. They swim around and around, bored out of their minds.

Judas takes ketamine and thinks unthinkable thoughts, a crooked grin short term loans permanently fixed upon his toothy mouth.

august 2001
published in Jakk magazine
performed at a few spoken word events

brain shrinkers

I black girl porn recently had a thought about a new way to approach space travel.

The vast majority of science fiction uses the idea of space ships which carry complete human bodies, sometimes conscious & other times in cryogenic suspension, to distant places.

But what's the point of voyaging for 50,000 Terrestrial years, to reach a distant star system whose most Earth-like planet has a gravity of 2.4 G? Your human body will be weak, if you land on the surface of that planet.

The crew of space stations orbiting Earth lose muscle mass & bone strength from just a few months in 0 G conditions. Can you really imagine the crew of an interstellar space ship exercising in a gymnasium every day, for several years?

My thought is: why bother sending inefficient, unadaptable human bodies on interstellar space ships?

The simplest approach would be to remove the human brain from its body, put it into a strong container, with various new sensors, new manipulative limbs & so on.

But then, I thought about the size of the human brain. Apparently, human brains are evolving towards smaller size. What if we used technology, both biological & electronic (nano-scale or smaller), to shrink the human brain to its smallest functional size?

Imagine an interstellar space ship with tiny pea-sized human brains as the passengers. They have the equipment to build bodies of various sizes & materials, with limbs & sensors as buy viagra required. These small brains are less susceptible to cosmic rays, require less sustenance to keep them alive, & require smaller & lighter hardware to propel them through space.

When you arrive you at a distant star system, suppose you want to explore a small planet with methane oceans, with temperature range of 60-100K. You will need a body configuration that is more suitable than 2 arms, 2 legs, a big head, & genitals. Perhaps a body shape like a fat dolphin with cartoon porn 3 parallel tails & some extendable tentacles on the chest would be more useful.

This is the future of space travel!

Mt Barker, 2010